Conflict of Interest

It has been a while since I bothered to write in any blog.  I could say it has been because of life, COVID, writer’s block and so on.  But the real reason for me not writing is that I needed to resolve the conflict of interest.

There has been a real need to start writing again if anything to improve my mental health.  The downturn in my physical health has caused my mental health to decline also.  Not because of the pain and other problems I feel because of my physical health that one would expect to upset my mental health.  But my physical health is keeping me from doing the one thing that did keep my mental health in check.  That is walking.
When I walked, my mind could wander in its thoughts.  Feelings that where suppressed came out and I was able to deal with them.  In fact I looked forward to my long walks because of the benefits to my mental and physical health.  But that slowly came to an end, as my ability to walk slowly died away.
I try to push myself to walk so I could gain the mental health benefits, but that came at a price.  The physical pain after doing the walks became almost too much to bear after the walk.  So I had to give the walking up.  Try to keep my physical activity to a minimum.
The interesting thing was that my mental health didn’t go bad right away. It was more like a very slow decline.  I thought what was going on with my mental health was because of dealing with the aspects of my physical health and learning to accept it.  But the fact is that those feelings that where expressed during walks where now bottling up inside.
I had to find way to express them.  I could talk to a friend I suppose.  But to be honest it is not something I could do.  These thoughts that want expression where not ones that I usually don’t talk about with people.  That is why the walks where good.  They could be safely expressed in my mind during tedium of walking.  SO I have been thinking how can I express them in a way that felt safe for me.
Well I had this blog that was setting here doing nothing but holding my colouring work.  Might as well make the money I spend to host the blog be more productive and express those thoughts in my blog.  But then I could hear myself scream in my mind “ARE YOU INSANE!!!!”.
Well I do wonder about my sanity at times, but not this time.  I know I cannot talk to a close friend about these feelings, but here I am wanting to broadcast them to the whole world.  I know on the surface some things don’t seem to make sense.  After all the logical thing to do would be to write a journal on my computer instead of in a blog on the internet.
Well I did try that.  Both in a paper journal and on the computer.  At first the thoughts would find expression, but it wouldn’t take long before writing in either of them became hard and something I would give up.  Even though the thoughts where finding expression on the screen or the paper, it wasn’t what I needed.  But it seem that publishing them on a blog would allow them to find expression.
I decided to stop writing as it was getting late and I needed to go to sleep.  Big mistake!  Now I come back to this post and wondering what my thought process was when writing.  But I think that what I was going to get at was that writing in my blog would be a good way to express my thoughts and improve my mental health.  I just need the right mindset to do it.
That mindset being not think about that there might be someone reading this blog and judging me.  That will be hard as it is something I think about a lot.  I know that I should just be myself and not worry about other people think.  It would be nice if I could just think that way.  But it will not be easy.  Something I might cover in a later post about why I am so dependent on what other people think.  But maybe with time I can balance between being myself and caring what other people think.
Also I am not going to proofread what I wrote.  The other bad habit I have is that I can be a bit of perfectionist at times.  If I start proofreading what I wrote then I will think there is better way to say something.  End up not posting anything because I will never be happy with what I wrote.  
With my life the way it is right now, I don’t know how often I will post to this blog.  I am hopping at least every other day to post something about what I feel.  But they may take a while to achieve that with my study and work schedule upsetting the balance in my life.
If you have reached this far in the post then you are amazing.  Amazing that you put up with my writting this long.  After all there better things to do in life than read about me.  Anyway I hope you are having a good day and enjoying it the best you can.