Drumming My Fingers

I didn’t intend to write anything tonight, but it is better than what I want to do right now.  That is get angry over having to wait for something to happen.  Sometimes I can get very inpatient with certain aspects of my life.  The best thing for me to do is to distract my mind until I am no longer waiting.  So I will write something.

I was reminded of something today that is also in short supply.  That is hope.  It is something I am trying to reclaim in my life.  But is very hard to do.  Experience has taught me that hope is for fools.
I can recall walking home from school hoping things would be different when I walked into the house.  That maybe it was a nightmare.  That maybe someone would see what was happening and rescue me.  That maybe someone would listen to what I was going through instead of being judgemental about me.  But I wasting my energy hoping anything like that was going happen.
But I also lost hope in myself.  Why have hope that I would accomplish anything in life.  I was suffering what I was going through with my father because I deserved it.  The judgemental nature of people made me also believe more that I deserve what was happening.
The problem I have found with writing about my childhood and what I went through emotionally is what it brings to the surface.  It sometimes it can be too much too handle.  I might not want express it because I might be overburdening other people with my emotional mess.  Easier to just ignore it.
But I am trying to rebuild my hope again not only in myself but other people and the world.  Its hard to do when I am ignoring the things that make me lose hope in the first place.  I have to deal with those feelings.
A lot of those feelings when I first start dealing with them is anger.  Anger over what was done to me.  Anger that I didn’t do anything but more importantly that my mother and other adults in the family did nothing.  Pretended like it was a problem that didn’t exist.
It is easy to to be judgemental.  Easy to say that those people should have done something.  That something must be wrong with them not to do anything.  While else would they not to do anything.
That is something I believed for a long time in my life.  It was my way of explaining what happen and why people acted the way I did.  But life has showed me that I am just as equal as they are in life.  That I can ignore and pretend that things don’t exist instead of dealing with them.  Look at me right now wanting to stop writing and ignore the feelings that where coming to the surface.
I feel like what I wrote is a bit simplistic.  It is hard to put into words, at least right now, what I have been going through trying to reach a point where I come to terms with what happen to me as a kid.  But I do think I am reaching the point where I can understand and forgive.
For me forgiveness is not so much directed at my birth family, but more toward myself.  So I am no longer stuck in that past.  It is not like the past will go away.  It always be there and will influence my thinking and how I live life at times.  But no longer be the controlling part of my life.