Housten, we have a problem

There was a few problems today. It was extremely cold this morning. The washing machine wouldn’t work. It was my birthday. But also second guessing my motives on why I am here in the first place.

Not much I can do about the cold except turn the heater on. After several hours of troubleshooting figured out the cold valve inside the machine is dead. Why couldn’t it be the hot water one. Rarely use hot water, but cold water is needed for a lot of the cycles. Going to cost me a hundred dollars to fix. Oh well. Do a hack on the washing machine to make it work again for now. At least I don’t have to pay labour since I can replace the valve myself 🙂

Being my birthday no big deal. Yeah the sun has rotated around the earth 57 times since my birth. Awesome!!!. I could say my cynical attitude is because that after 56 times of doing birthdays, one more is no big deal. But there is darker reason why I hate my birthday now. But that is a post for another day.

I was thinking why I am here in the first place. I know it is because I went into my office and sat my chair. But was thinking in the bigger picture. The fact I am a immigrant to Australia. The last place I imagine I would be in when I grew up. So why I did I move here?

After being asked that question for the last twenty years, it is getting old. People hear my Yankee accent and just have to ask “Why did I move to Australia?”.

I will tell you the same answer I tell them. I moved here to marry my partner. Yeah I know how romantic. Person leaves everything behind to move to Australia to be with their partner and live happily every after. Well on the surface it is true.

I tell people that not only because it sounds good but its simple. Avoids other factors that are more complicated and not as nice about why I move to Australia.

The fact of the matter is that even though I was in love, that was a stupid move on my part. I just finished a divorce with my first partner and why I would I take a chance with someone I barely knew in another country. Give up my family and be with strangers. What if it did go bad, what would happen then. Reading that you might think I was very stupid for doing it. But I think I was a lot smarter than I present myself.

That family I was going to give up to move to Australia? Not a family at all. Even though my molester was dead, the rest of the dysfunctional family was still there. With my divorce and moving back home, I was trapped again by them. I was having a hard time imagining how I would get out again. Would I spend the rest of my life with them around me all the time. What would be the point of living dealing with that crap?

When I started talking to this person from Australia on the internet, there was no thinking that we would have a relationship. We where just two people talking together every evening. But things change by a stroke of luck. We develop a romantic relationship and the question came up about me moving.

I never question it for a second. I start saving money, filled out the reams of paperwork needed for my visa then move to Australia when I had the money and the visa about a year later.

I think the reason why I never questioned is that it did give me a way out. A way out that was graceful. I was moving away from them to be with the person I loved.

But it makes me wonder if that was my true motive for moving to Australia. Just to get away from my family. That I didn’t really have any interest in my partner. They where a means to the end I wanted.

I think it was a combination of the two. Either reason on its own would not be enough for to move. Love on its own would not be enough because I didn’t know if it would work out. It is not like my first marriage where I can seperate from them by packing up my car and going home. If things didn’t work out in Australia, I might have big problems.

I think though the motivation from getting away from my family is what made it work though. It made me have the courage not only to make the move but work through those first few years when I was not only getting use to a new country but dealing with being married again.

How did it work out? Did my relationship with my partner work out? It was pretty rocky those first few years. But we manage to make it through and I would say love each other more than we ever did. Cutting the ties completely from my family didn’t go away after the move.

It would take ten more years before they where compeletly severed. I won’t go into details but why it took so long. Sometimes things follow you even when you move to the other side of the world. But they eventually go away themselves.

I still long for family. There was a while there I thought maybe if we did get back together things would be better. Then I think no it will not change. They have had fourty years of my life to make changes and never showed that they would. Besides family is not what I am born with or related to by blood, but it is something I decide for myself. I have a really good one here in Austallia.

Well I am going to stop writing and post this to my blog. I have some packages I need to write “Return to Sender” on them and deliver them back to the post office. You would think they would learn they are wasting their money with international postage by now.